Goodmorning - slept - on and off b/c of temp and ac issues ( blowing in my face! ) but a good amount of deep sleep happened. Dreams happened. i remember being in a car traveling seeing property but trees had been cut around it and i wasn’t happy with that - I had created drawn / painted these cards and Jess, a person from my past showed up, looked at the cards, then made cards herself very similar to mine but bigger larger scale. Yes that’s her alright. As I traveled more i went thru an area of shoreline of beach with turquoise water. It was beautiful but lots of people in it - lots of children in it and i was irritated in the water trying to make my way past all these kids and then there were seals - many seals in my way and they started nipping at my ankles. Got even more stressed by this. Theres more of course but its so blurry now i cant make it out.
Before bed we saw a beautiful coral colored bird hanging out on vine on our bedroom window. Then another - a male cardinal with the most awesome mohawk - stunning. So close we could make out details we’d never seen or known about. I want to capture so much here in my writing - all the moments the magical moments of life when present for this experience. Yesterday was hot. Jim/Leo took car in and walked back - we ordered from grocery store for delivery - I was noticing how I wanted to create - the ideas coming for writing, music, standup, calling me to pay attention to them, tugging and my pant legs and heartstrings and how I dont have my own space to do it all in private and felt the familiar feeling of holding it in and waiting - not a good feeling. This house is not really conducive for me to have the perfect place to be without being interrupted. Ok note to self : I have to create that space. I later went upstairs to lay down - I had Jim play me some songs on his phone - like Straight From The Heart by Bryan Adams - Only You by Lionel Ritchie - One More Try - Timmy T and I found an oldie that was wow - Karen White Love Saw It . Omg brought me back! The gross DJ Don in NYC who made me the mix tape with that song on it - he was a coke head a porn addict and bent in half. He gave me some sob story about his mother throwing him out a window when he was a kid. Telling me how we are gonna do music together and I gave it up for him out of sympathy. How my no tolerance has blossomed after too many experiences hanging with giving my time to trash. But I was young and my behaviors were learned and taught. I heard so many times that i was worthless from my family I did dumb things. But wow here I am sober, present, healthy. Back to hearing Karen White…just amazing to hear the vocals the lyrics the emotion the talent. and bam I fell asleep hard and deep - Jim said I was snoring so loud and I slept thru lots of noise sirens etc...I was out of it when i got up for a long time but I showered and made my way downstairs to start cooking because Chris ( my friend and art therapist ) was coming over for dinner. Got the oven on and put side of salmon in and started on the salad while Jim started on the salsa and finding the right music. Then Jim gets a call from Laura his sister. Wow. I know Bobbi ( Jims mom ) spurred it on since I told her in out last convo of how its been years since we've heard from her. The phone call was really good for both of them - I told Jim to say and that I was crying tears of joy when he was leaving for Milwaukee and boy did she laugh - she knows we’re never apart and I always want alone time - I love her laugh - I love her and the time we spent together all those years ago. But she did not show up when we were down and never supported my music but u just gotta let the past go. Expectations go. Be the love Lyss Be the light. Be easy like the flowing stream. Easy like Sunday morning Lyss. Ha I remember that's Chris's ( Lauras husbands) favorite song. Then Chris ( my friend ) arrived - she called so I could move car up. When she came in she proudly handed me a cheese in brown paper wrapping - “Its from Spain!” and from the fancy cheese shop in town - I pulled salmon out of the oven and put the sourdough bread i seasoned and oiled in - got plates and began serving as things became ready. Chis and Jim went nuts for the the food - just a gorgeous spread to celebrate the weekend and our friendship - connection - life. We talked and talked - alot about me and the experience of the show I produced - how it felt - what was going on for me inside and outside myself - whether or not I want to do it again.....Chris said she was sorry we didn't come to her art opening and exhibit - that hit me because I wanted to go but didnt. There's going to be should’ves in life - its ok Lyss - keep flowing love. We talked about Hagit ( my friend in BC ) and how she had went unconscious and verbally attacked her partner and how I was able to talk/coach her thru what happened - why it happened and how to become present and aware so she can change these behaviors moving forwards and how I wrote it all out as a guide for her to follow and how I got a text from her that said “Just so you know, You saved my life.” and the meditation class Ive been teaching - we talked about art therapy and Nyack our town and moving vs. staying and appreciating what we have and being right in town - talked about the huge black water snake I saw at the lake that ate a fish right in front of me - how intense that was - how beautiful a creature - how sacred - about my visit to the voice doctor - how good it was and the good news I got about it being simply a weakness in the vocal fold and that I need vocal therapy to strengthen it - about my birth chart and that I have a unique aspect in it of protection via communication I’ve always had I tell Chris and she said Yes and u always will have protection - I feel it - i told her i do! I feel it - I'm a communicator - I made them laugh about the screaming that went on when I was a kid and then the phone ringing and mom answering with a singsongy ...hello? About me having these intense relationships in my life and its true relationships have always, for me at least, held an intensity and talking about it gave me a moment to reflect on that and why...was I born that way or was it because I had no safe home or relationship to family - i wasn't wanted and abused so I wanted to make sure I was seen heard and cared for out there and so that’s probably why i created or intense bonds happened with people - I had to keep myself safe and cared about by others - Talked about family - letting it go - how it feels...why did i do so?....She brought up Madeleine ( my niece ) and I just felt slightly triggered like pressure on a dam holding back a river.....but I recognized it and breathed - that's the key Lyss, recognizing it, becoming conscious of it, acknowledging it, and letting it go. The music was playing in the background - a collection of songs from my youth I always loved - songs that had comforted me and that I used to sing my heart out to - they provided an extra sensory perception in me - they took me back but held me in the moment - I was cradled in their comfort - felt soothed and wistful at once - they carried me thru my childhood - the songs the music my own voice soothing me singing listening feeling held and felt. Talked about how I cant help but write standup - its just there even if I dont want to perform again it just keeps coming!! Talked about me writing standup for Jim that I could even write him a one man show and how its fun for me and easy! He said Im like a rubix cube with his life story and how to tell it and spin it into great comedy and storytelling. Honestly - its true. We had an awesome time and at some point Chris announced she should get going. I hadn't thought of it but she was aware and said lets please do it again and we all agreed. It felt great to be together and talk freely openly and honestly - Utopia. I Went from Usonia to Utopia - the real version. So we got brought back to life a bit this morning from coffee and espresso - Jim did a huge pile of dishes and I started on cooking breakfast - we sat and enjoyed - just delicious. Life is delicious - our peaceful moments of existence are delicious. I then meditated and prayed. Moving flowing breathing glowing